The Hidden Impact of Compromise

‘An agreement made between two people or groups in which each side gives up some of the things they want so that both sides are happy at the end.’ Oxford Learners Dictionary.

We are often told that compromising is helpful in maintaining a good relationship with other people. Does it really mean that both sides are happy in the end though? Very often compromising can result in resentment, even if it has meant you can now move forwards with whatever was causing the issue you decided to compromise on.

For example, compromise is usually doing something you don’t really want to do in order to keep the peace and be liked or loved by someone. You can see how our personality plays into this too because these behaviours are often more obvious in people-pleasers, people who need to be liked and/or worry what others think.

There’s no doubt that we all compromise in life, but how often are you aware of it and more importantly, how often do you address how it makes you feel?  It can often be difficult to see where we compromise, especially when it’s something we have become conditioned to do to make life easier! And even when we do notice it, we might offer an excuse for it. For example, by saying ‘yes, but he’s my son’, maybe when you are again lending him money or going out of your way to pick him up.

Compromise comes in all forms and in all relationships, such as where you live, how you work, when/where you go out in an evening, staying late at work when asked by your boss, holidays, housework, who walks the dogs, looking after the children etc etc etc!

It can be helpful to recognise that where we compromise there is always a payoff for us. There’s also a fear of losing something if we don’t compromise, so it can be helpful to explore these in our own life and relationships.

Some brief examples of types of compromise and what the payoffs and fears might be:

Compromise 1:

You dislike conflict and even though your meal isn’t hot, you don’t say anything to the waitress.
Payoff:, everything remains calm, and you carry on with your meal in peace
Fear: That it will cause a scene and then you would worry what they, and others around you, think of you.

Compromise 2:

You prefer to go to bed early and read in bed, but your partner prefers to stay up late watching TV and likes you to stay with them
Payoff: You keep your partner happy, therefore helping to keep the relationship harmonious
Fear: Annoying your partner and the impact this could have on the relationship.

Compromise 3:

You are ready to go home during a night out at a noisy party but your partner or friends want to stay later
Payoff: You are seen to be accommodating and you don’t have to find a way home on your own
Fear: Maybe related to having to go home on your own or letting your friends down.

Compromise 4:

You and a friend have been asked to put together an important presentation and you agree they should be the main presenter.
Payoff: You are involved in this prestigious event which will look good on your CV
Fear: You have a deep belief that you aren’t good enough so not being the main presenter avoids the possibility of failing.

Taking Self-Responsibility

It can be helpful to consider where you compromise in your relationships, whether that’s your partner, children, friends or even pets.  Really dig deep and explore the ‘faulty’ beliefs around the payoffs and fears and address those too, such as ‘I’m not good enough’, ‘I don’t fit in’, ‘I might lose them/it’ etc.

Also notice how often a mindbody symptom pops up or increases because you have compromised and you haven’t addressed the underlying fears and resentment.

For example, have you ever developed a migraine/headache or a stomach issue or another mindbody symptom when you were due to do something you didn’t really want to do? A physical reason like this is often perceived to be a more acceptable way to avoid something than if you were to just say ‘no’. Sadly, by not acknowledging how we feel when we compromise and then expressing this, symptoms often manifest.

It’s not about always refusing to compromise, but noticing where you are compromising and why, as well as realising you do have a choice. It might not feel you have a choice because it might feel so awful not to compromise however, dig deep and see where you are doing it because you ‘always have done it’ or because you feel you ‘should’ or ought to’.

Whether or not you decide to compromise anyway, do explore the fears and underlying beliefs around it, ensuring you don’t allow resentment to build up. By making a conscious decision and acknowledging how you feel, as well as then rationalising everything and considering what you have learned from it, could potentially have a positive impact on your health and wellbeing.