Facing my fears and taking the plunge!

I am currently working with Georgie Oldfield to help with my recovery from back and hip pain and here is what happened this week.

Swimming is one of my favorite activities yet I haven’t swum for 18 months. The symptoms of back and hip pain and the accompanying fear and self doubt, along with Covid restrictions meant that my regular swims have become a distant memory. Swimming has been one the big things on my list of goals; to get back in the pool, to stretch out, to feel safe and happy in the movement and in my body.

Yesterday I went swimming for the first time and I swam for 20 minutes!

I had been speaking to Georgie in my session last week about how much I wanted to go swimming and start running again and so we talked about how I might begin to work towards these goals.  Georgie had taken me through being able to reframe my thoughts about going swimming from focussing on the fears to feeling OK about it.  I started off by journaling to offload any doubts and fears rather than bottling them up and, having decided I would begin with swimming, I began to consider how I could make that happen while making sure I maintained a positive and empowered mindset.  Part of the strategy is to use supportive, compassionate language and imagining I was swimming with ease and really feeling how lovely it was and how great I was feeling.

One thing I knew would help me feel more confident was to know more about what to expect before I went because it was so long since I had been to the pool.  Although I was able to book a swim session online in the morning, I then phoned to speak with the receptionist.  I asked her what the water temperature  was – a warm 29 degrees and how the session was organized due to the Covid precautions.  Doing this then helped me actually visualize how it would be.  Interestingly though, after as soon as I put the phone down I had to dash upstairs to the toilet. Clearly my anxiety about swimming had gone straight to my tummy!

Thankfully, with all the work I have been doing, I am now able to reflect on things with kindness and patience, even with humor about what is happening inside my body.  Before understanding all this, I would catastrophise or berate myself for not being able to do something. My inner talk used to go something like this:

“Ok, so I am anxious about swimming. I haven’t done it for a long time and it’s an activity that I’m fearful of.
What if it aggravates my symptoms?
What if I freeze and I can’t get in/out of the water or seize up in the middle of a lane?
What if, What if…etc”

But nowadays I can address those fears and doubts and my inner talk is more self-compassionate:

“What about if I just get there and see how I feel sitting in the car park? Or I get  to poolside and just even have a shower, or just dip a toe in the water. Maybe I could get in but only up to my knees or my waist, chest…. And if I can’t do any of that then its fine, I will have tried.”

I gave myself permission to be OK whatever the outcome and to be fine with swimming or not swimming.

In the end I drove to the pool with a symphony of symptoms playing down the left hand side of my body, including tingling and tightness pulling at my attention.  “Breathe”  I told myself… “I can just sit with these sensations, acknowledge them and know that I am actually OK, safe and strong and that these feelings will pass.”

By the time I got poolside though the symptoms had faded and the anxiety had been replaced by anticipation.  I got myself ready and then I got into the water and after deciding to just swim haf a length and back, I found that I was easily able to continue.  In fact I swam for 20 relaxed, easy and enjoyable minutes.  The photo above is one I took to share with my family after getting out because I wanted to share the happiness I felt of having achieved it.  And the feeling of success and happiness is still with me now 24 hours later as I am writing this!

Managing the doubt, fear and anxiety about swimming has been a big moment for me in this TMS journey.  I needed to trust in myself and to be OK with the outcome whatever happened.  It seems so simple but to get to a place of trust, patience and kindness towards myself has been a journey of a year or so for me.  A year of research, reading, meditation, soothing, journaling, somatic tracking and learning to feel my emotions rather than over-think and analyze everything.

I painted this picture of my back last year and added lots of words to record how I was feeling during early lockdown days and with the symptoms. Georgie suggested I wrote an evidence sheet to help me on this journey and so I decided to reuse the picture as  a ‘Back to Life` record. On a daily basis I add post-it notes to it,  noting any achievements and evidence.  Every few days I put the post-it notes in my notepad and start again.  For me having a strong visual record of how I am doing helps.

I still have more to do on this journey of self-discovery but I am so getting there.  It’s such a good feeling, especially now that I am back in the water !!

Jan Vakilpour June 2021