Insights gained during recovery from persistent pain

Recently I had an email from someone who is working through the online SIRPA Recovery Programme with the aim of resolving his persistent pain. I was so impressed with his insights and the progress he is making because of them, I asked if he would mind me sharing it, so here it is below.

“The programme has been going well thank you. It is highlighting certain issues and I finally feel like I am recovering properly…. I had a bit of a lightbulb moment over Christmas whilst spending some time with my family, more specifically with my older sister who has a few problems of her own, I believe stemming from childhood, and she can actually be quite hostile at times.

At one point she became quite aggressive and argumentative towards me with no rational reason for doing so. I realised that for my whole life she has behaved this way, especially towards me. No wonder I ended up developing a personality trait where I constantly critique my own actions before, during and afterwards, in fear that I may upset somebody.

It feels like I’ve constantly been in flight or fight mode, anxious in many situations as though I’m preparing for somebody to react badly or aggressively towards me. I have realised that this is likely to be the biggest component to my symptoms. Since that moment I have been able to tell myself in all situations that people won’t react badly to me, and I needn’t be on my guard all of the time. It seems silly now to think that for so long I would have been on my guard even around great friends who I know to be very compassionate. I guess the personality trait has been so ingrained for so long.

After realising this, the last few days have been pretty much completely pain free. Allowing myself to simply not care what people think has completely reduced my internal dialogue. It’s a freedom I’ve never known before and I feel really good about it. Learning self-compassion has helped with this as well – so that even if somebody does react badly towards me, I can rationalise it and understand that I did my best.

I work in policing and there are often some sticky situations where people get annoyed easily, so this will help at work. It’s so encouraging to know that recovery doesn’t necessarily mean changing aspects of life, but rather just the way I view them. Incidentally, I only made one New Year resolution – to have more self- compassion!

I had a slight relapse today where some pain set in towards the end of my shift at work. I realised in hindsight that I had spiralled into perfectionism with a piece of work. Although there is nothing wrong with doing a good job, I realised that the reason I had been going over and over it was because I was afraid that my colleagues might think it was a dreadful piece of work. After I acknowledged that I was thinking irrationally about it and laughed it off, the pain went away. Next time I will try to work hard, but for the sake of making a good contribution, and not driven by fear of disappointing others.”